Twenty Five

Kasimir Malevichs 'Unemployed Girl' (1904)
Kasimir Malevichs 'Unemployed Girl' (1904)

I used to joke with my friends and relatives about how you’re going to be freak out with your life when your age are finally touch 25. They said that it’s called a quarter life crisis, if I’m not mistaken. I always thought back then that it was simply a joke, something that will not happened with me. In my opinion, it was something that had been exaggerated alongside with other hyperbolic things in this world i.e. Y2K.

Eventually, it is not exaggerated. In fact, it happen with me. Big time.

Well, I actually didn’t feel anything when I was touching 25 years old on May 25th 2009. It was coming like a regular birthday. Nothing special about it. The only difference is how I get a massive notifications on my facebook account regarding to people congratulate me. Since I was using blackberry, that notifications seems to be coming endlessly for that day, and it was overwhelmingly fun. But that was it. Despite that enormous number of notifications, I didn’t feel anything. Not yet.

It was yesterday when I finally realize that I had freaked out so much. I don’t know for sure if it has something to do with my 25-ness, but from what I analyze it might has something to do with that indirectly.

In my experience, a quarter life crisis –  okay, now I’m trying to use that words here. I didn’t know if I put that words correctly – is not something that you feel when you touch 25 at the first time. Like I said before, I didn’t feel anything at that time. I always thought that it would be something that you freaked out because of the fact that you are 25. Like that number, 25, is something that gonna scare and terrify you above everything. It didn’t work like that on me, but it work on a different dimension.

I gotta say that I didn’t know what I really want in my life. I know that it sounds lame and weak, but it hit me like a bus every time I think about my life and how I found that I don’t know what should I do. I’m talking about a big picture here, by the way.

It’s not like I don’t have any plan or anything. I do have a plan, I do have a strategy. But I’m just so afraid that it won’t work like I hope it would do. If you think about “That is happen with everybody, no one knows what is going happen with them”, yes you may be right about it. But somehow it feels different this time. It feels like this moment are going to set your entire future, and if you take a wrong way, you are going lost forever. FOREVER.

Some people are making this worse by doing a discouraging conversation, saying in a latent way, that this is not the right way for me. I know that everyone has their own opinion about everything, including the one that related with me. What I didn’t know is that I also has an opinion. I might have been respecting another person’s opinion too much, I don’t respect mine. At the end, this is me who are going to live my life. I might listen to the others, but it is me who decide.

This might be the difficult times for me, but I won’t make it more difficult than it already is. This 25 won’t last forever, but I will still holding on. If I manage to live long, I will look back to this day, this year, this moment. And remember that once in my life, I actually do something with my uncertain life rather than wasting my time sweating about it.


5 thoughts on “Twenty Five

  1. tahun ini gw 24..tahun depan 25..
    dan klo ditanya setelah lulus S2 ini gw mau jadi apa, gw aj masih bingung..masuk urban design bukannya dapet pencerahan malah makin blur..hahaha..
    anyway..setiap orang pasti akan nemu ko fase takut ini, fase udah tua, gw mau ngapain..
    cth gw, dibandingin sepupu2 gw, gw yang paling tua, dan di umur2 segini bokap udah ngomong pjg lebar ttg nikah, jadi istri, punya anak, kerja mapan dan semacam2nya..sedangkan gw ngerasa masih belom siap..


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